Why do fear and terror still exist?
Revelation 1:5
...and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood...
The Bible says that humanity has sinned. It also teaches that the problem of sin can only be resolved through the shedding of blood. In the past, sacrifices were offered using the blood of lambs, goats, and doves. However, these were only temporary and symbolic, like a shadow. God, in His plan for all humanity—past, present, and future—provided one ultimate sacrifice: Jesus Christ. He was born to be the sacrificial Lamb, offered for the sins of the whole world. Through His blood, we are freed from sin. The wages of sin is death, as the Bible states.
Despite what Jesus did 2,000 years ago, people are still afraid of death. This is primarily because they don’t know what Jesus accomplished. The difference between knowing and not knowing is as vast as the difference between heaven and hell, which is why we must share this knowledge. Simply believing in what Jesus did with our hearts grants us forgiveness for our sins. And yet, even knowing this in my mind, I still haven’t fully escaped the fear that grips my life. My life remains overshadowed by the fear brought on by the influence of sin from which I have yet to feel fully freed.
The driving force behind my life has been fear and anxiety. Recognizing this, I decided after turning forty to base my actions solely on what I desire and genuinely want to do. Fear, without a doubt, eats away at a person’s soul. It steals peace and destroys potential. If we could eliminate all fear from our lives, our consciousness would instantly elevate, and we would be free to live the life of an artist.
Both of my parents were filled with an inexplicable sense of fear. My stepmother’s eyes were always full of dread, and my father’s eyes reflected the same fear. He couldn’t bear it, so he withdrew into himself, as if twisting and writhing within his own life. Unable to cope with the unbearable anxiety, he projected it onto others indiscriminately—even onto his much weaker, young children. The nine years I spent living with my parents were nothing more and nothing less than a time of fear and terror. Why were those two people so consumed by fear and anxiety? What could have caused it? They seemed unable to confront reality, too busy avoiding it at every turn.
That same fear and anxiety exist in all of us siblings. Unable to endure it, each of us ended up sabotaging our own lives. My older brother dealt with his fear in a self-destructive way and barely survived. As for me, outwardly, I seemed to conform to societal norms and expectations, but deep down, my actions lacked substance. Emotionally and mentally, my growth was stunted, frozen somewhere in my childhood due to the pervasive fear and anxiety. The half-siblings from my mother’s side were somewhat shielded from the full force of the fear and anxiety our parents passed down. However, even they couldn’t escape unscathed. They, too, struggled with emotional deprivation and failed to grow into their fullest potential.
Now that I’ve left the company and am living in solitude, I see many things differently compared to how I perceived them through the lens of fear and anxiety in the past. I realize now that I was so frozen by fear that I avoided facing reality and lived trapped in my own abstract ideas. This caused me to fail miserably at practical communication and responses required by the company, creating unnecessary problems. At the time, I thought everyone else was the problem, but in hindsight, I was the one obstructing communication and workflow. Moreover, I harbored extreme resentment toward those around me. My fear had transformed into hatred, and just as I avoided my father, others began avoiding me. They didn’t even want to talk to me.
Looking back, I can't help but wonder how I managed to accomplish so much while barely holding it together at work. It's almost baffling, but at the same time, I feel sorry for the people around me who had to deal with my struggles to communicate. As I reflect, the emotions that were blocked by fear back then are finally surfacing, and it pains me deeply. I feel genuinely sorry for those I might have hurt. At the time, I processed the situation intellectually, detaching myself from my emotions, leaving me unable to feel anything. Unlike me, the people who faced reality without being consumed by fear felt everything as it was—and some of them genuinely despised me for it.
The fear that once left me trembling and frozen inside is slowly melting away, like a glacier thawing. Through my husband’s love, the love I am learning to give myself, and the time I take to care for my well-being, I’m gradually unraveling the tension and rigidity that gripped my heart. Yet, each step forward brings me face to face with emotions I should have confronted and grieved long ago, and the process is deeply painful.
Jesus has already resolved the issues of sin and the fear that comes with it, yet such fear still lingers in my life. I once read a book that criticized theology for instilling fear in people by claiming that enduring present suffering will lead to heaven in the next life. Perhaps I too was under the illusion that if I endured the fear and dread born out of childhood neglect and abuse, I would eventually make it to heaven. But true faith, I’ve come to realize, requires psychological health to be fully embraced.
Even in my deepest fear, I clung to Jesus and prayed fervently. I believed with all my heart, yet I was also consumed by fear. I lived soothing my terrified heart through prayer. And yet, I often wonder: despite hearing my countless prayers, why didn’t Jesus take away my fear? For those without faith, it might have been difficult to understand how someone as fearful as I could also have such deep faith. But that was my reality—holding tightly to Jesus, even as I wrestled with overwhelming fear.
